Monday, April 30, 2012

Team Barnabas!

There’s a fair few things that I’ll geek out over, but you have to understand… Dark Shadows holds a very special place in my heart.

My mother and her siblings grew up watching this show on television and when syfy started to air it again decades later, they subjected me to the entire series for which I am eternally grateful. I adore Dark Shadows! I love every campy moment, every ripped off storyline, every flubbed line and silly fake sideburn and rubber bat. The cast and crew put together something truly unique under the stressful live soap opera conditions that I can’t bear to truly mock because seriously guys, that’s awesome.

 I remember watching the series with my mom as a tweenager and pausing the show briefly to say just about these words verbatim, “I just got the most brilliant idea. Ever. They need to do a remake of this. Johnny Depp could play Barnabas Collins. Tim Burton should direct.” To which my mother replied, “Oh! I want to see that!” We’re looking into my brain waves to see if I have a psychic connection to anyone else in Hollywood. I lie not. Cross my heart. But whether you believe that totally amazing anecdote or not is beside the point.

I REALLY wanted this. My expectations are far too high and as the release date approaches for my little psychic brain-child-movie, and the decay of its glorious orbit heightens by degrees, I’m getting nervous. What if it crashes, I ask you?!

A lot of fans were pissed about the ‘mood-whiplash’ trailer that was released. The first half looked pretty serious and the second half looked like it was making fun of the show I love so much. But I didn’t take it personally. I tried to be totally fair—it didn’t look exactly like Dark Shadows, but it looked like something I would immensely enjoy. We’ll see if the whole movie is super farcical or if the editors simply went a little crazy manipulating the footage in the trailer.

Neither explanation would surprise me. 

Team Barnabas, all the way.

The face.

That’s just my face.

Don’t worry, I’m not mad at you.

A lot of people have made comments/held interventions recently about my face and how I’m so DAMN DIFFICULT to read. I understand your frustration, various non-telepathic people of the world, really, I do, and I sympathize.

I sympathize because I finally went on a date with a guy who must be the male equivalent of me in this way. I swear, I’ve never wanted the ability to read minds until right then because every little expression, gesture and word caused about a million what-does-that-means?! to explode in my mind. I’ve never really had that happen to me before. I’m actually pretty good at reading people in spite of not being very readable myself. Here’s how I decided to deal with it; I freakin’ built a bridge people. You don’t know what my facial expression means? Go with it! Either continue on until you figure out the vibe, or you could just ask me. Totally allowed, by the way.

Anyway, I’ve decided I’m going to attempt to catalogue my facial expressions and mathematically order them. Let’s put my blank/sleeping/unconcerned/emotionless face at value 0 and then we’ll go out by – or + degrees by number depending on measurable difference from zero.


Mathmatical Value (normal face)
Base 0
Happy +5
Sad -5
Excited +20
Confused -30
Listening +8
Not Listening -8
Question "Can I please go, now?" -20
Question "Should I leave?" -22
Question "What are your intentions, sir?" -9
Question "What to make out?" +15
You know, they'd never find my body. -100
DYING OF CUTENESSOVERLOAD! +300
Pissed.-114
imaeatyoface (angry) -200
imaeatyoface (playful) +40
Genuinely amused +30
Pretending to be amused +12
That's HILARIOUS! +70
Sleepy now... -4

Mathmatical Value (my face)
Base 0
Happy 0
Sad 0
Excited +2
Confused -1
Listening 0
Not Listening 0
Question "Can I please go, now?" -1
Question "Should I leave?" -1
Question "What are your intentions, sir?" 0
Question "What to make out?" 0
You know, they'd never find my body. +3
DYING OF CUTENESSOVERLOAD! +9000*
Pissed.-10
imaeatyoface (angry) -20
imaeatyoface (playful) +30
Genuinely amused +3
Pretending to be amused +1
That's HILARIOUS! +50
Sleepy now... 0


*Apparently this is a rare occasion in which I show more emotion than a human face should have the capacity to hold. My sister describes the sight as 'terrifying'.